Heaven YES, Hell NO

 Thursday February 25, 2022. It seems like a random date but it was actually unforgettable. That was the day I'd begin my newest job judging at dance competitions and attend an actual church service after about two years. 

One day during prayer service Pastor Jonathan Shuttlesworth, Revival Today Church, mentioned that he would be resuming his evangelistic endeavors and the first meeting would be in Jacksonville, FL! Immediately I knew I had to be in that meeting. Straightaway I headed to the grocery store to buy lemons (lol). My only goal was to get cash back to give the man of God. Evangelist Kofi, also of Revival Today Church had shared countless testimonies and stories surrounding honor and faith during morning prayer broadcasts. Getting this money out was a no-brainer. 

As is turned out, I had the most clutch schedule for judging that weekend. Landing in Jacksonville on Friday and not having to working until Saturday freed me up to do whatever I wanted. From the time my car got me to the hotel to getting another car for the meeting, time seemed to be moving quicker than I wanted. However, I had up my mind even if it meant leaving my sushi in the middle of the bed on a hotel towel I was going to church. Full of excitement I set my expectations before God. Not only was I looking forward to hearing the jokes in person but to receive an impartation from the powerful man of God. Two things were for certain. I wanted to have hands laid on me in prayer and I desperately wanted to be in the anointing that would be present. Guys, I felt like I was in a Ted Shuttlesworth book (The Camels are Coming). The presence of God was in the building! Everyone was standing, hands were lifted and sweet praises were being rendered unto God. I could feel the expectation of everyone in the building. It was amazing! I forgot to mention I planned on leaving the hotel at 6 because I NEEDED a seat up front. I was not breaking my YouTube streak to have nosebleed seats at a Jonathan Shuttlesworth meeting. So, my car picks me up at 6:30pm and I encouraged myself that it would all be fine. I arrive and the church is small. I laughed. God really cracked me up because at that very moment I KNEW Pastor Jonathan would see me from any angle. From that moment things only got better!

Let me start by giving props to the RT team. There were only a few representatives but you could feel them. By that I mean they were pure excellence. I sat at the end of a back row closest to the door so when they all walked in I was hype and inspired at the same time. How does your camera guy walk into a place that anointed? lol, it was amazing! The time comes for Pastor Jonathan to speak and I am already full of joy. The more he spoke the more full I became. I literally smiled like a crazy person because I couldn't believe I was there. I knew God had something great for me and nothing could convince me otherwise. Pastor Jonathan spoke on the rapture and got hype. Naturally I said, as I do at home when he revs up "THE DEVIL BACKS OFF TODAY FOR FREEEE IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST" because the word got really good! Something extra happens when you are physically in the building, receiving that anointing and hearing the word of God my faith was ignited and my intentionality was deepened. People need to know that Jesus is returning and salvation is mandatory to reign with Christ. 

As the service goes on I think to myself "I hope he prays for everyone.. He kinda always does that.. Nooo don't close out yet". As Pastor Jonathan goes back to the podium he leans over and says "I'm going to lay hands on everyone here". I was like "whaaaat!" God was showing out at this point. But truly, our faith pulls on God and brings manifestation to us. Our faith puts testimonies in our mouths. PJ mentioned how he knew people had come with [faith and] expectation. I was beyond grateful because I wouldn't have been able to make the Saturday Night Miracle Service. The entire church went outside as directed and we all had hands laid on us. I ended up leading the line somehow. Pastor Jonathan slapped my head (lol) and the Holy Spirit was present. I heard heavenly languages, crying, soft singing and laughter that seemed to never expire. It was incredible. I was also bit by a mosquito and that was the only time I let one off of the hook because I was having the time of my life!

When we returned inside it is time for offering. By that time I had asked God three times how could I put this money in Pastor Jonathan's hands. I just knew I was going to have to sit in the back of the church until they'd turn the lights off on me looking crazy talking about giving the pastor money. As they passed out envelopes I was a little confused. I purposefully took out $40 to touch Pastor Jonathan's hands. I passed the Revival Today envelopes down my row and kept faith because I KNEW what I wanted to do. God didn't orchestrate everything that happened up until then to leave this part out, was my belief. It turned out after service there was a line of people waiting to speak with Pastor. I leaned over and saw him sitting in a chair. I was so grateful because this was my time to shine! Unsure if I should open up with a joke or prayer (LOL) my only goal was to not bore him. He talks to thousands, maybe millions of people and I wanted my moment to stand out because I was giving from my heart. With the money I wrote a note on a hotel sticky sheet. When my turn came it was great! We chatted a bit and he actually knew who I was. That was pretty wild being that I just started rocking with RT during 21 days of fasting and prayer. When God repositioned my life to begin the 21 days I quickly realized how He was realigning and elevating my life and rank in the spirit. That Jacksonville meeting was a cherry on top!

I wanted to blog this to be a contributor. Months and even years from now people will read this and come into "contact" with yet another powerful man of God. Just as Jolynne Whittaker introduced me to Jonathan Shuttlesworth and he has brought me into the knowing of Dr. Rodney Howard Browne, Aimee McPherson, Bishop Oyedepo, Tiff Shuttlesworth, Ted Shuttlesworth, and he has brought me into more knowing of A.Allen, R.W Shambach and more through his books, I want people to read about Evangelist, Pastor Jonathan Shuttlesworth from my words and have an encounter with Jesus Christ. What a great man of God!

When he accepted my offering after our conversation, he received it with humility. The look on his face was full of gratitude. I was just blessed being able to give any gift to a servant of the most high God. Pastor Jonathan took the folded money and said "I receive it" and then "Here, take this". He took my right hand and blessed me, my year and my finances. I walked away so grateful to God. He exceeded my expectations.

As I headed to the edge of the road waiting for yet another car, full of God's goodness and faith on fire, my driver pulled up blasting 2000s R&B music and made it even more awkward because he let down the window to ask my name and then I had to open the door to get in😂😂😂

I echo the statement I made from my heart January 1, 2022. I never knew I could know God like this.

Purpose Awaits

There is no clever way to discuss the topic of purpose. 

Purpose is everything that has to do with our existence in The Earth. For the past four days God has been "hammering" the importance of purpose to me. With that He has expanded the revelation unto me. Sure! We've all heard this word and may have even listened to sermons surrounding it. But, do you truly understand just how important it is? PURPOSE IS NOT ONLY THE REASON YOU WERE CREATED BUT THE VERY ESSENCE THAT WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH LIFE MEANINGFULLY AND EFFECTIVELY FOR GOD'S PLANS TO PREVAIL.

Sometime last week I posted a tweet that I will never forget. "If someone told you to have a plan B, they probably don't know their purpose." That could not be further from the truth. We've all grown up hearing the importance of creating a stable life for ourselves. Today with social media being such a grand factor of  life that thought of creating a stable life is morphing more and more into self-sufficiency. So, we think of clever ways to accumulate money, who to tag in our posts for the hopes of being discovered or how to effectively brand ourselves through someone else's online programming. The detriment in taking these measures solely to ensure you keep money in the bank or that you get a big break is that it will all amount to precious time being wasted. Apart from God, we don't know who we are or what we were created to do.  I want to paint this picture for you. Having success in something isn't always an indicator of being in your purpose. We can engage in plenty of things that don't go horribly wrong. That does not mean we are doing what God purposed us to do.

Here's another thought. One reason it is vital to walk in your purpose is because there are literal souls that are attached to the work you have been called to do.  Sure, even waking in purpose will be enjoyable but beyond that our purpose serves! Had Jesus not answered the call to take on the sins of the world you and I would be in really bad shape. Get this, had He not answered the will of His Father there also would not have been a resurrection. That very act is the reason you and I, when we confess and believe on Jesus Christ, can be joint heirs of Christ and spend eternity in Heaven at the end of life. I know that was the most extreme example and that is how severe it is for you to walk out your God-ordained purpose. You have spiritual and natural gifts. Partner with God, spend time with Him, notice what pulls at your heart, what you can do for hours, where you feel most "alive" and discover your purpose. 

Think of this. There is an intense need for chairs. Schools, Maternity Units, Shopping Malls, Airports, but years ago the person who was given that idea just sat on it. They never paid attention to that pull in their mind and spirit to create a chair. Their focus was spent elsewhere. Now here we are years later having to enter public places sitting on floors, the backs of our shoes, our knees or some off-limits structure all because one person ignored a call. Being on Earth in 2022 may have caused your imagination to struggle with thinking on a world without chairs but that my friends is the sliver of intensity between living out your God-ordained purpose versus doing some successful things in life.

What ever it may be, lock in!

Purpose awaits!

Been Happening, Still Happening

 Contrary to the last year that has been raided by large and loud opinions on long-standing issues within the dance world, it has been happening for quite some time. Although Raven Wilkinson nor Delores Browne had the help of social media and it billions of overly-tentative users, even they had their bouts with some of the stigmas in dance culture. I know the increase of nationally publicized police brutality really took its stance from 2020 until now, but that was just the beginning. Amidst the scenery of nationally-syndicated protests came major reveals of injustice, institutional racism and at times, blatant disrespect from dancers all across the world. 

Allow me to begin by saying that I was not a fan of seeing all of this play out on social media. However, as life would have it, my own experiences had been happening right along with the stories that echoed through Tik-Tok, Instagram, Dance Magazine prose, and so on. My issue is that I personally find it irresponsible and unrelated to the art of dance to speak on things like hair styles and the color of tights if it is not actually affecting the art. After all, my preference even as a dark-skinned ballerina, should never trump the serving of this beautiful art form. I do believe, however, that being in an organization that does not celebrate the totality of its makeup does in fact compromise and affect the art of dance in some way. 

In a dance company, everyone will not be on the same level and not everyone will dance roles suitable for high ranking dancers. However, every dancer should be equally represented through the way the company broadcasts its organization, beliefs, values and intentions. On a "heavier scale", I have weighed the realities of my past few months spent in a company. It was an Instagram story post that made me realize I had never been reposted on my company's instagram story. Sounds small? not so much. As the only African-American woman during the company's last season, I believe my existence there was important to display,  even outside of the one time I was featured during the run of a ballet we did which was about the culture of a people with African American heritage. Why had I not been posted? Why was it almost impossible to know I was a part of the company unless you have a personal connection to me? (There were seriously times I'd be with co-workers grabbing lunch after a run and audience members congratulate us for a job well-done and not one would make eye contact with me.. but I digress)

At this very moment I am thinking of the young girls in the school who see me walk through the halls and follow mw on insta. I also think of the young girls who could have possibly been in the audience either night as I boldly took the stage. I am thinking of the time my director had to re-stage our Cinderella when a few girls in the corps were unable to perform. During those runs I was front and center. You think I found any photos, besides a full stage shot, of me, in character? Not at all. I am in no way blaming the photographer, per say, except making the point that my existence in the company was overall "flat". contrary to those things, I actually did not have a miserable time in the company. The inspiration for this writing piece is simply an extension of the awkward and ridiculous moments that have been taking place in companies every where, including my own. My goal or even solution is not to be in an "all black company". My goal is to continue the narrative  (because there really is no conversation) because it will make me stronger and perhaps one day, someone will "get it".

For the past few months, I've been in a place where I was tolerated but not really celebrated, watched but not cared for...

... Sometimes its the unfortunate turn of events that lead to divine propulsion.

Here's To being brave. 

I Mean, Really?

  I know how it feels to have a huge dilemma in front of you. I also know how it feels to have that dilemma circle your career. In the 12 minutes that I sat on the second floor listening, posing questions and speaking my honest viewpoints, I realized the difference between that dilemma circling my career as opposed to my passion.

Most people think of passion and equate it exclusively to their ability to grind. They think the passion they have is authenticated with their decision to "take no days off" and push the limits of their bodies. Some even look at passion as doing whatever they must to stay "on top". With social media being the greatest platform for exposure before integrity, most have begun to view passion as obsolete. Not many people are willing to count up the cost that may come along with the craft, which can be in The Arts or sports, they claim to be dedicated to. What happens when you are met with a dilemma that forces your true response? What stance do you take when your response can cause a temporary chance of direction for you?

Here's an example. I am sure the average person has watched or even binged (like me) CW's All American. There have been memes and videos galore making hilarious jokes on characters, Spencer and Coop but the second half of season three was intensely insightful. I felt them. So, my example is of Spencer. Do you remember when he was determined to stand for what mattered to him regardless of the majority? He felt strongly about doing what it took to shift a culture, a people, no matter the consequences. Well, as it went, (spoiler alert, spoiler alert), not only did Spencer take his stand but his bravery reverberated throughout his own team, as well as other football programs. Spencer's stand changed minds within his immediate connection, which also caused rules and regulation to HAVE TO shift.

So, this is what I mean, a lot of athletes and artists think they are passionate and do not realize true passion transcends the perfection of your craft. I love the line from All American's Homecoming episode. Homegirl told Simone "I'm not [helping you], I'm helping the sport I love. I felt that on so many levels. Sometimes your passion looks like removing yourself from an atmosphere that cannot suit your needs or beliefs. Sometimes your passion looks like saying what you really know to be the truth about a sport or art even though it directly goes against its current and fickle climate. 

Not many athletes and artists are willing to truthfully confront that circling dilemma because the cost just may be temporary discomfort. It's like that episode of The Game, yes, that was my show. Blue did not support nor did he feel comfortable with the statement of the team's general manager. His stance? "HOLD THE LINE!". Sure, he was aware of the position that would put the team but not only did his passion show how much he loved the game but its overall function. How many can say they cannot be bribed or bought against their thoughts or beliefs?  Blue was a leader. I can relate to that one hundred percent.

By now I'm sure you can tell that I have been faced with a dilemma of my own. My God-given realization is that no one can truly dictate the path or potency of my career. While they may be able to make certain decisions, My God is the ultimate decision-maker. I AM willing to feel the temporary discomfort (if I may even call it that. I am not at all uncomfortable) in a sliver of my career because my tried and tested  passion is the truth of who I am as an artist. I know my place in this industry.

Until God gives me my marching orders I will be content with not losing to my dilemma.

Beautifully Placed.

The most fitting way I can find to begin this post is with a quote that was spoken to me from the resilient, legendary ballerina, Delores Browne, Ballet Americana 1955, later named New York Negro Ballet.

"You have to believe that you belong where you want to be."


I do not aim to justify the ballet culture surrounding treatment often given to African American dancers—  and most certainly—  I must stick with dancer because that is the "tribe" I am a part of. It is most definitely no secret that black dancers in ballet have had quite a time endeavoring to do what they love, just as the next person. Prejudice, racism and passive aggressive behavior are some things that have, for many, many, many year come with the art of classical ballet, delivered by African American women (again, I will speak from this angle because I, myself am a young woman). Although these facts can date back to the 40s, they are still very prevalent and have not gotten that much better. I am resolved however, that there is a way to exist and thrive in this rigid climate , in all of your glory.

I am not that old in age but I have indeed experienced the "sting" of systematic and institutional racism in the ballet and theatre world. Does it "bite”? most certainly! There have been times I had not realized what  had happened until I felt undermined after the fact. It is a real, thing! It is not right but is a reality. So, how do you dwell in atmospheres that are not inviting and still bring your best self? How do you confidently "perform" while you're being surrounded by "side-eyes" and "wondering eyes" ? I can think back to a day I eagerly went into a ballet class as preparation for an upcoming conference. Of course I entered that space knowing that I would be the minority (I was the only black girl) but I had no preconceived notion about how I would be treated or how I could go amongst the other dancers with a chip on my shoulder and a "wall" up. It was not until something happened that I was dropped into the tidal wave reality that screams, and sometime stalkingly whipers “You're black, you don't belong here. She's black. does she belong here?".

Fast forward to the time in 2019 that I engaged with a ballet company as a guest artist, and excitedly, might I add. I had just finished up a guest artist residency with a different company and preforming in a show with a company I was actually a part of, as one of its company artists. I was ready! It is pretty interesting to note that my initial interaction with this company was strictly that of taking morning class. I had done that about two or three times before the Artistic Director presented me with an offer to join their production of The Nutcracker. With consultation of The Lord, my mentor and parents, I accepted the offer and the process of class and rehearsals had begun. Again, I want to reiterate that I have never (this instance being no different) entered spaces that make me the minority, with preconceived notion or intentional intense "vibes". Of course, by that time I was very well aware of the reality of the ballet world as it relates to me and my kind, but that is always the least of my focus. As scheduled days began, almost immediately I noticed the hesitation some dancers had when I said "Good morning!". The sly anticipation of some dancers waiting to see me go across the floor and be inserted into sections of the ballet was a little awkward. It was all very noticeable but quite flattering, honestly. It was not until I was placed with a partner for the Arabian section of the ballet, those "whispers" translated to my feelings of inadequacy. I had to fight that! By that time I had experienced being spoken to as if I had no knowledge of partnering or the art of ballet—and get this— the director actually watched my partner "throw" me around and did not correct him, or "defend" me (I quote that because that is not the main issue. I need no defending because the work is what would inevitably suffer, behind a complacent and snarly director with hidden motive and feeing toward the black girl. How unfortunate). If that was not enough, I had also been spoken to, by the director in a manner that was condescending and made painfully obvious that he did not expect me to speak with industry jargon, professionalism, expertise or experience. One day during rehearsal, the Lord literally said to me "Trinity! Know Who You Are". God was giving me a "crash-course" into seeing myself as the person He made me to be, seeing myself as He sees me, and knowing beyond what anyone can ever say to me or endeavor to make me feel, that I was created to dance; and that indeed I BELONG HERE AND THERE!

To round this all off, I want you to know that I left from working with that company, kept my purpose but made my mark and made myself extremely proud of myself. It was not my first “rodeo” within a predominantly white company or cast, and it will not be my last. It is not most effective to share these encounters and remain secluded. No one has the power to keep me away from where I believe I belong. I will continue to go into space where opportunity is created and when I happen to me the only one, I will stand tall and remember what Delores Browne and my Lord spoke to me.

I hope I am not misquoting what has become an extremely famous saying in today's culture—  I also hope that it can be translated to this world, my world...

The Marathon Continues...

Signed,

Yes! Alvin Ailey

Am I the only one feeling like 2020 just began and, somehow it is already February ? Personally, the anticipation of this new decade sent me into a deep focus and powerful preparation. To my expectancy, that form of equipping has already begun to bare fruit, brining along with it, major surprises. This post is about the time I took company class with The Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre.

Allow me to preface this "journey" by exclaiming how incomparably mind-blowing Christ Jesus is. I know that He has a plan for me; He certainly has one for you as well. The way He is able to orchestrate a thing when we are ready, prepared and tried, is on another level. That being acknowledged, one of my "pop up" blessings occurred the week of January 26th, in New York City. 

Plans and travel arrangements to arrive in NYC had been made weeks in advance and that included me departing way before my interaction with Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre. I mean, clearly, I had one specific plan and in typical "God-fashion", He had many others (I am only sharing one that occurred). On a Tuesday it was evident that I would be in the City for longer that anticipated so I reached out to an artist I admire, inquiring about any classes in the area. She mentioned that her company (AAADT) has company class but typically does not allow anyone in, pre-tour week but that she would ask for me. I asked the Lord for the same favor He'd given me a few weeks prior in Philadelphia (attending IABD).  I wanted to get into class for the same reason most dancers do, but I have to admit, being in that particular class would mean so much more to me. Well, the next morning came and I had not heard back from my artist friend. I didn't sweat it. The following morning I woke up to a series of messages that basically said "You're in!.. see you in the a.m.".

The most important thing to note is that I was certainly ready to be in that room. Physically, mentally and as far as experience goes, I was totally, more than ready. I did however, make it a point to talk to God, asking Him to help me walk into and dwell in that room/atmosphere in all of my confidence and Holy Ghost assurance. It was not an option to cower away. As it goes, I was escorted up to the sixth floor (reserved only for the company while in residence), accidentally met the instructor for the day's ballet class, met Clifton Brown through pre-class conversation and literally soaked up each moment. Large, open windows, feet and feet of grey Marley, Jessica Pinkett-Smith on the opposite side of the barre, Jacqueline Green to my right and company members all about. Those minutes were so pure and felt more peaceful than overwhelming. If I can say it this way, I was not trippin'. Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre was my first and most honest introduction to true dance art. I knew I belonged in those rooms.

Things that happened during class time were confirming but that is what God does. He will give us glimpses, notices or even whispers to allow us the privilege of knowing that we are right where He will have us to be. God's orchestration, our work. It's like the great Kobe Bean Bryant once said "I know the time is going to come because I'm gonna keep knocking at the door... [and when it happens] it won't be a surprise because I've seen it [in] here..." *points to mind. points to heart*

2019, Thank You !

As I sat here at least ten minutes before actually typing anything, I thought about what direction this post should take. There is so much I could say. Although we have just one full day of year 2019 remaining, I've gotta say, I am feeling pretty reminiscent in this moment. It literally feels like we were just getting all hype for 2019. During that time, I was in Greenville, South Carolina. The traffic to get inside of the Church's parking lot was insane, anticipation of the new year's treasure filled the air, confetti was falling and then I find myself eating the cutest chicken n' waffles slider with some fruit. LOL. Definitely enjoyed that part. Point being, his year sped by!

During this post I may speak on a few things, but I would love to point out a valuable lesson 2019 taught me. That lesson was to simply trust the process. Not to only just trust the process but to trust God's process. It is extremely easy to be pulled and tugged in directions that seem to be best; but truth is, only being led by God will yield the greatest results. I cannot tell you the amount of times, throughout this year God has led me down pathways that seemed, in the beginning, completely useless or counterproductive. Regardless, those time always yielded "full circle" moments that always happened quicker than quick.  I was able to see how powerful and intentional God is. I was able to see that His most perfect will manifesting is dependent upon of my surrender. This year also produced more tears than usual, much fight, revelation, insight, moments of weakness and then God's perfect strength. If you have yet to come up with a word for my 2019 yet, let me help you: BOOTCAMP! The year has indeed been beautifully challenging.

Another valuable lesson I learned this year was to trust who God made me to be/learn to see myself the way He sees me, specifically pertaining to my career. I am just one year out of college and the amount of networking, exposure, opportunities and connections I have stepped into was just plain ole WILD!!!, the highlight being, guesting at Collage Dance Collective. The way CDC changed my life is overwhelmingly refreshing, and indicative of the large amount of awesome that is to come.

Speaking of to come, I *jazz walk* into a brand new decade with my head held high. Expectations are through the sky and my dependency on Christ Jesus will be there every step of the way. Goodbye 2019. Hello, BRAND NEW DIMENSION!!!!!!!!!!

Year 2020 is the year of the impossible, my BREAKOUT year, ALL NEW EVERYTHING year. Thank you Jesus.! <3

Well, Would You Look At That

I used to think that in order for me to "make it" in the dance world I had to do certain things, go certain places, and look a certain way. It always seemed like this unspoken obvious fact; that if you did not do this or that, go here or there, look this specific way, you either weren't a dancer or would not be a dancer. I can look back now and see how my budding passion for dance was almost snatched right from under me due to the ridiculous pressures of high school.

The dancer with the heart, enthusiasm and vibrant daydreams of her future was who I was. Sure, I could picture myself of big stages, doing the most incredible things and being most beautiful because my heart was there. It was just that when it came to execution or looking in the mirror, I only saw this faux-confident version of who I really wanted to become. So, what really happened? I became lost in my crowd of friends and what they were doing or not doing and honestly lost sight of me. Basically, your girl became a follower. It is so wild to even think about because today, I am the complete opposite. During the high school years of my life, there were a few things that happened and could have easily deterred my dreams of becoming a world-renowned dance artist. Sure, I have endured the bits of discouragement from teachers, feelings of inferiority due to not being able to go to the summer intensives my friends attended, isolation due to knowing deep down that I was different from those I surrounded myself with and the occasional hurts from being called out because a certain teacher saw in me what I could not fully see in myself. Much of what I experienced was designed to "stunt my growth" so to speak, or even break me completely. I am so glad God held me.

Fast forward, it is quite hilarious how through all of that and more, the Lord always maneuvered in a way that protected my hearts' deepest desires. After all, with dreams as large as mine, there was going to have to be some fighting, kicking, travailing and trailblazing! Eventually (college), I got to the point where I began morphing into who God would need me to be for who He has called me to be. And surprise, surprise, I actually hate being like anyone else. I purposely do things opposite of the crowd (most times it is my natural judgment [the way God created me] that leads me to choices). To date, my resume/ how it came about, is actually the opposite of one who is successful in the dance world (and still growing), and I absolutely DO NOT like looking like other dancers. I am also not a fan of trying to "look the part" My focus has grown into being the part since authenticity is the truth and it sustains. It can never be duplicated. Gratefully, while molding me on this journey, the Lord showed me who Trinity is as an artist, down to the clothing, and is still revealing that to me. He is sort of clutch like that; always doing 2278292002 things at once.

Anyway, this post was sort of a patchwork of reflection. As always, I pray this encourages you. I look forward to the many other adventures this life will take me on because in all honesty...

She was born to dance.

Decisions, Decisions...

Sometimes you have to do the hard things in order to lay hold of the best things. You may be wondering, "What exactly is the best thing for me?". We can often make the mistake of equating any form of success, to destiny or purpose. However, I have learned that while a good thing brings good things, and even good feelings, a good thing does not always mean a "God thing". The very best decisions we make in life will always be the decisions that are "God-approved" and often "Man-confused". Towards the end of my collegiate years, I can remember having to make some decisions that some people did not understand. It was a bit tough, ignoring the inevitable "tug" of many, many opinions especially when you are getting established. Oh yea, if you don't know, I devoted my college years to the craft of dance and am now a professional dancer. So, yes! opinions!!!!!! There seemed like so many of them. I had to, however, go with the BEST—God's approval. So far, His judgment has not led me wrong (are you surprised?). I am in awe at the trajectory of my life and career, since about two days post-grad (lol! that is an accurate count). And, in typical "God-fashion", I am not surprised that more recently, I had to make another tough decision.

A little under a month ago, I was headed from one state to another, to dance in a ballet. Since I knew that I would be in town for a bit, I decided to stay in class (class=IMPORTANT). After one class the director (separate from the original reason I came to this state) made his interest in me, for his company's upcoming production, clear. Almost immediately I knew that I wanted to participate because I would be dancing in the meantime. Fast-forward, I told the director "yes" but with growing reservations as the days went by. As it would turn out, the atmosphere was rigid, at times, I felt belittled because I am black (that feeling was being projected onto me from some of my counter-parts), my dance partner was not supportive or concerned about our process and my growing suspicions had been consistent. Okay! that may have been a lot to take in but I want to paint the clearest picture, possible. In the midst of all of that, I was informed that I would not be compensated. I spoke with the director in candid concern and then was offered very little monetary compensation for a multi-city show, including rehearsals in and out of the theatre, and travel. Before I made my final decision (after two days of official rehearsal), I was challenged internally to not only stand up for myself but also to fight for the artist I have become. Confrontation is not easy for everyone and sometimes we would rather stay in an undesirable situation than to make clear our needs or simply move on. Boldly, I did both.

Coming to that conclusion was not been easy for me at all but making that tough decision lifted a weight off of my shoulders, preserved my career, made way for "God Opportunities and made me my own hero.


**In my previous post, I discussed the importance of the black dance community and that blog was inspired by this same situation. Give it a read!

Dancing Black

I want to talk about the importance of black dance community. The art of dance is so beautifully crafted. It creates vulnerability and a sense of belonging. Speaking from a personal standpoint,  when I dance, there is this feeling of completeness. It is as if every part of me has come together, creating the fullness of who I was truly created to be. Dance, however, is also hard. Hard on the body, sometimes the mind and other times, your perspective. Much of my journey, up until last month, had caused my perspective of self to deprecate.

I had been in so many atmospheres, all vastly different, in a five-month span—somehow they all caused me to question my validity as an artist. Did I really have a space in this world of dance? Would I ever be taken seriously? Will I ever really become the artist I’ve always (literally) daydreamed about? Some places and situations were overwhelmingly arrogant and demeaning—others, racially charged (which was a bit much for me swallow when I came face to face with so much of it at once). There were genuine moments of struggle and those would be the times I gleaned from historical knowledge of Alvin Ailey, Janet Collins, Arthur Mitchell, Delores Brown, Raven Wilkinson...

Hope came alive as I would envision and think on those legendary black bodies and the shoulders I am now standing on. There were times I thought to myself, “If they can do it, so can I”. It was not until October 2019 that I witnessed a true and authentic “black bodies experience”; I’ll call it. Last month I was granted the incredible opportunity to Guest with Memphis’ Collage Dance Collective (I will spare you from all details because this blog will NEVER end. Lol) and it CHANGED MY LIFE. That sounds dramatic, right? Good! It was that dramatic!!! I now had a personal experience and living support system alongside the dance greats we know and love. For the first time, I felt comforted, safe, cared for and empowered. The black dance community is a force because a systematic dance world forced (and continues to, in some fashion) us into exclusivity. That made us huddle together and do what we know we could because our eyes and hearts were set on a goal, dream, vision. The black dance community is no stranger to isolation or bias opinion. Worn with pride and understanding and are the miscalculated rejections, along with strength, honor, and perseverance. The question of our competence and the love/hate relationship with our bodies and, because it doesn't quite add up with our abilities (according to some), is just one more reason why the black dance community is strength and refuge. Now, my understanding is deeper.

I will say, from the legends to Collage Dance Collective, the black dance community embraces and equips. Now, when I am in those rigid atmospheres, I can think on Lauren Anderson, Milton Myers, Paunika Jones, Kevin Thomas, and charge on...

"Forreal God? You Gon' Do It Like That?"

Ya'll! When I looked at the stats for all of the posts I've made thus far, I must admit that I was a little ashamed— the last I spoke with you guys was in January. LOL! I really do have plans of doing better but honestly, whenever I do write, it isn't "willy nilly". Sometimes God nudges me to open the computer. Other times He pops a topic in mind. While everything you've read is super passionate to me, and usually structural in presentation, this post will be a little different. "Here's to story time!!!!" Although different, this too, is intentional. Allow me to preface the "meat" of this post by saying this: God wastes NOTHING! (it's deep already. haha!) and some of the worst experiences you face while climbing your destiny ladder, if you allow it (like I always say) will be the genesis required for you to effectively occupy your calling, through excellence, bravery, confidence, stealth, dominion, integrity, assurance and command. Do the tough things sting? Absolutely? Will you feel like throwing in the towel? 'Better believe it! However, you can rest easy after you have been through the fire, you will LITERALLY (oooww, yall drippinnnn') come out as GOLD.

     Sooooooooo, in March of 2017, myself and my partner Brandon (Quick S/O. Hey love.) were making our way to the American College Dance Festival (ACDF) for the third year. It was sort of wild because when we first attended the conference, the acronym was ACDFA, American College Dance Festival Association and now I believe it has been shortened again. Just a quick fun fact. Anyway, Brandon and I were on our way to the festival and we were both excited because these types of things are always a breath of fresh air. During this particular conference, you meet and reconnect with dance students all across the region. We take classes together, attend dance shows, network and eat... the most important part. What made that year's attendance highly anticipated is that Brandon and I would be dancing our pas de deux section from a ballet choreographed by James Atkinson, Purple Rain. Not only would I be dancing en pointe (something not seen at the conference), but this was a ballet number. NO ONE PERFORMS A BALLET PIECE AT ACDA. By the time we began rehearsals for the conference we had already performed this work during the run of the BFA Fall Concert. It was nothing new! But, oddly enough (or strategically enough) there was a moment during preparation when things blew up and shut down. All of a sudden weight distribution was off, trust had broken down, partnering was not seamless and the attempts to mend the entire situation deemed itself useless. Guys, at this point I was completely over the piece. I no longer cared to present this beautiful work but became satisfied with simply attending the conference. WHAT WAS GOING ON????  Fast forward to Brandon and I not seeing eye-to-eye and basically attempting to give up— our professor had to talk sense into us.

I wanted so badly to accept his words and allow them to wash away all nervousness and fear but I felt crippled by the thoughts of all that would (it's so crazy how we can count ourselves out before we even get in the game) go wrong and the mindset that I was not good enough. Somehow my attempt to ignore the painful feelings had worked long enough to get me to the next step: Rehearsal on site. Around day 2 of he conference our professor set up a rehearsal and guys, I had a nervous break down, anxiety attack or something. That thing was spiritual. At that point, I felt completely lost! Growing up in dance, and even at this point in my collegiate journey, I was never the hopeless type. Even when I knew I didn't have as much pointe training as other girls, I would always stand tall. Most times, honestly, I would fake it until I could make it (that groomed me as well). That was not the case when it was time to rehearse. I remember walking out of the main building and just walking aimlessly on campus. At some point I sat down. Looking back, God really poured into me because I was at a lost for words, confidence and passion, to say the least.

  It is important to note that before we even hit the stage, I could have sank into the pressure of the matter. Sometimes, unknowingly, we can throw in the towel when God is trying to stretch us. Some things are imperative to feel and experience because without them, where is the authority and power? Like the ending of the darkest hour, the sun peaks through the horizon. Here is my thought on that statement. There are stages to nighttime. Sometimes you actively see the sun going down and sometimes you look up and it's dark. While the darkness may alter the way you move, it does not paralyze you. We watch television, scroll IG, maybe cook something; but our worlds do not come to a hault when darkness falls (I feel this). After doing all you feel like doing or all you can do, you began to prepare for rest. Sometimes we don't sleep as great as we would like and other times it feels like the best thing ever. One thing we can count on, no matter our "dark experience", is that we will soon see the sun again.

Much like the sun that rises with newness of mercies, and a clean slate, moments before it was time for Brandon and I to hit the stage, we tightly embraced. We loved on one another and we knew that dawn broke, that what we were about to do would be nothing short of historical.