"You have to believe that you belong where you want to be."
I do not aim to justify the ballet culture surrounding treatment often given to African American dancers— and most certainly— I must stick with dancer because that is the "tribe" I am a part of. It is most definitely no secret that black dancers in ballet have had quite a time endeavoring to do what they love, just as the next person. Prejudice, racism and passive aggressive behavior are some things that have, for many, many, many year come with the art of classical ballet, delivered by African American women (again, I will speak from this angle because I, myself am a young woman). Although these facts can date back to the 40s, they are still very prevalent and have not gotten that much better. I am resolved however, that there is a way to exist and thrive in this rigid climate , in all of your glory.
I am not that old in age but I have indeed experienced the "sting" of systematic and institutional racism in the ballet and theatre world. Does it "bite”? most certainly! There have been times I had not realized what had happened until I felt undermined after the fact. It is a real, thing! It is not right but is a reality. So, how do you dwell in atmospheres that are not inviting and still bring your best self? How do you confidently "perform" while you're being surrounded by "side-eyes" and "wondering eyes" ? I can think back to a day I eagerly went into a ballet class as preparation for an upcoming conference. Of course I entered that space knowing that I would be the minority (I was the only black girl) but I had no preconceived notion about how I would be treated or how I could go amongst the other dancers with a chip on my shoulder and a "wall" up. It was not until something happened that I was dropped into the tidal wave reality that screams, and sometime stalkingly whipers “You're black, you don't belong here. She's black. does she belong here?".
Fast forward to the time in 2019 that I engaged with a ballet company as a guest artist, and excitedly, might I add. I had just finished up a guest artist residency with a different company and preforming in a show with a company I was actually a part of, as one of its company artists. I was ready! It is pretty interesting to note that my initial interaction with this company was strictly that of taking morning class. I had done that about two or three times before the Artistic Director presented me with an offer to join their production of The Nutcracker. With consultation of The Lord, my mentor and parents, I accepted the offer and the process of class and rehearsals had begun. Again, I want to reiterate that I have never (this instance being no different) entered spaces that make me the minority, with preconceived notion or intentional intense "vibes". Of course, by that time I was very well aware of the reality of the ballet world as it relates to me and my kind, but that is always the least of my focus. As scheduled days began, almost immediately I noticed the hesitation some dancers had when I said "Good morning!". The sly anticipation of some dancers waiting to see me go across the floor and be inserted into sections of the ballet was a little awkward. It was all very noticeable but quite flattering, honestly. It was not until I was placed with a partner for the Arabian section of the ballet, those "whispers" translated to my feelings of inadequacy. I had to fight that! By that time I had experienced being spoken to as if I had no knowledge of partnering or the art of ballet—and get this— the director actually watched my partner "throw" me around and did not correct him, or "defend" me (I quote that because that is not the main issue. I need no defending because the work is what would inevitably suffer, behind a complacent and snarly director with hidden motive and feeing toward the black girl. How unfortunate). If that was not enough, I had also been spoken to, by the director in a manner that was condescending and made painfully obvious that he did not expect me to speak with industry jargon, professionalism, expertise or experience. One day during rehearsal, the Lord literally said to me "Trinity! Know Who You Are". God was giving me a "crash-course" into seeing myself as the person He made me to be, seeing myself as He sees me, and knowing beyond what anyone can ever say to me or endeavor to make me feel, that I was created to dance; and that indeed I BELONG HERE AND THERE!
To round this all off, I want you to know that I left from working with that company, kept my purpose but made my mark and made myself extremely proud of myself. It was not my first “rodeo” within a predominantly white company or cast, and it will not be my last. It is not most effective to share these encounters and remain secluded. No one has the power to keep me away from where I believe I belong. I will continue to go into space where opportunity is created and when I happen to me the only one, I will stand tall and remember what Delores Browne and my Lord spoke to me.
I hope I am not misquoting what has become an extremely famous saying in today's culture— I also hope that it can be translated to this world, my world...
The Marathon Continues...
Signed,
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